quotes, pretty little quotes here and there, like shining white snowcaps on mountains of dark conceit

When I was tinsier, youngish, soft and small I visited a painter to learn from. It was an evening matter. Diwali was the chosen word. And I meant to ask her how to paint a cracker go boom. But I chose to carry my question as a secret.

"Tell me something about yourself?"

(I found this somewhere deep inside my D:\ I don't remember writing this although I must have; sometime in the cold months of November-December 2010. I think it's blog-worthy, now that so many months have passed :))

(I think this is interview-prepping rather than musing. It appears to me to have elements of both.)

Hello Sir,

First thing that comes to my mind when you ask me about myself is that I am 21 years old. That’s it. Nothing else. I have been around for 21 years.

Why am I sitting here for this job interview? The true reason is that I want a job! I need a job. I am not suited up for nothing. I need this job. Why do I need this job? Why do I want to work for Flipkart or i3 or ZS or Verity or Deloitte or GPSK or GAA. And it is true that I want to work for these companies. Some of these at least. One reason that I can think of, for wanting to work in these is that if I do not get these jobs I’ll be in some trouble and I want to avoid getting into trouble. By trouble I mean that I wouldn’t know what to tell people when they ask me what I would be doing after IIT. I would have to make disgusting and boring efforts to get a job off-campus. And it would be hard to get a half-decent job off-campus considering my resume. I would have to make disgusting and boring efforts to find options in other areas like higher studies and go through muck like GATE.

That sounds like a fair reason to me. It is not really a solid reason. Sounds very negative. It doesn’t sound like I really actively want this job.

No no no wait. Actually I can see a reason. I do not want a worse job therefore I want these. That means these jobs are good jobs! Wonderful. Yes I want one of these good jobs. These jobs really are decent. Plus, there will be benefits of having a decent job. I will be ‘someone’. Other people will give me stuff like respect and wave at me with a smile when they pass me by. I think I will be able to relax and again start enjoying myself and do some stuff that I have been wanting to do for a while. I will have some money in my hands when I pass out. Money in hands doesn’t sound like a fun thing unless it is a lot of money. But I will be an earning person. That amounts to something.

But hey wait. I haven’t touched upon the nature of the job. Why do I want to DO this job? Why would I want to wake up everyday and go to work and spend the major portion of my day there? Why would I want to be excited about work. What would make me want to meet the people at work everyday, to sit in front of the computer everyday, and devote thought and action to work related things. Maybe because these people and what they do would be interesting.

Maybe these jobs will make me a man-of-action which I think I am not. My world is thought-centered and I really don’t do much at all. I just say and think and sleep and eat. I hang around, smoke, sit at my laptop and listen to songs. I talk and I talk and I talk. I don’t know shit about technology. To be honest, I think I have found my weakness. I do not love technology. It is a weakness because it could have been my biggest strength but it is not. Therefore it is as good as a weakness. I constantly feel the desire to do something else. Why should it be like that?

I want a job because I want to do an MBA too. Yes another good reason to get a job. I eventually want to do an MBA and become something. Yes, there is some sort of desire to become something. I do dream of IIMA. Why so? I do have great hope from IIM. Just like I had great hope from IIT. And IIT has lived up to my hopes in many ways. But I feel that maybe I couldn’t make much of it. Maybe I’ll be more prepared when I go to IIM. But I feel now is really not the right time to go to IIM. Abhi toh IIT khatam hua hai. Abhi aur cheezen dekhni hai. And that I hope to get from your company, Sir! I want to come to your company because I am optimistic about finding something good.

I am fairly intelligent and smart. I think I can work well.

"Hey funny man! What happened to your blog?"
"It's still there..."
"Not been writing anything?"
"Not really, I feel..."
"You don't think you are funny anymore?"
"Hehe. I never really..."
"I think you should write."
"Well, I've been thinking that... you know, writing is a little strange..."
"Shut up."
"I mean..."
"Shut up. What don't you find strange?"
"Hehe..."
"What else do you want to do?"
"I was thinking I want start drawing."
"Ah... Good boy."

"Hey... are you still there?"
"Yea."
"Well, I think I will write sometime... maybe tonight."
"Okay. That's good!"

Today I felt worried about aging for the first time in my life. Shit! I look old (look closely). I looked. In a mirror. But I didn't see a boy. Or a sharp young man. I looked positively old and tired. Not good.
Must start researching skin lotions and what-not. Its funny how you suddenly, one day, start feeling something that you have never felt but many others have been feeling around you for a long time. It's like you joined a new club.
I know it's not a healthy feeling. It's a most utterly useless thought. I'll just remember the skin-lotion.

This blog is going nowhere...

Hi
My second year here in IIT will be over in about a month now. It has been a rather wonderful year. I think I finally feel 'not new' to this place ! 2 years have gone by very quickly. So quickly that I hadn't even properly stopped feeling new to this place until a few days back!!

As I said it has been a wonderful year. I clearly had a lot more fun than 1st year which was mostly spent feeling out of breath and sleepy ! I met some new and truly amazing people this year. (Of course I had met some amazing people in 1st yr too when I made my first friends here, but that's a long time back , innit :-)) . So back to 2nd yr.

Rendezvous would be the starting point I guess . In 1st yr I couldn't really figure what all the fuss about rendezvous was. But this year the feeling was decidedly different . I guess you have to live in IIT for a while to like Rendezvous. I got to do some acting in the play which was a very satisfying experience. As far back as I can remember I have always loved the idea of theater and acting (story telling by actual performance, wow!!!) and I had been itching to try it out ever since I had come to college. In school it was a rather distant dream. If there is something to be acted out or some story to be performed I don't think it is possible for me to not want to do it and not be overexcited about it. Although I hate the whole business of "coming up with a 5-10 minute performance in 30-40 minutes time" which is so popular here during practices and auditions. It pisses me off to no end. Maybe I'll realize its importance some day. Anyway, looking forward to more plays in the future...

Then there was Antaragini, the IIT kanpur fest which quite frankly was even better than rendezvous I felt. It was like Woodstock for me, only we did nothing illegal :-). Maybe it was the fact that it was a new place and we actually had to travel to be there.

Another thing that was beautiful about this year was that I met some truly amazing people and became friends with them(mainly during Rendezvous and Antaragini). This I think would be the highlight of the year.What was magical was how quickly we became friends and managed to have so much fun and laughter in such a short time. I think my interaction with these people and also older friends (which has evolved a lot since I came here 2 yrs back) has really helped me understand myself more clearly (and also of course shaped me, which goes without saying). First year was spent in a total crisis in this regard but now I think I know much better what kind of guy I am and am going to be(or want to be) in the years to come...

You would notice that this post claims to be written a month before sem-end whereas now its almost a month after it. (I do not feel like correcting it) .Well here's the thing. I did start writing this post two months back on an April night when I was feeling exceptionally senti for no reason at all. But then I got distracted with something and forgot all about it. Today I hit upon the unfinished draft and thought I should wrap it up and publish it...as it is... this blog is going nowhere :-).

Hi
Last night, while doing timepass with Sachi and Bandees we started (somehow) talking about this:

oh what joy it was for the next couple of minutes. We excitedly, discussed each detail in this great piece of art (like 3 great art scholars :P). The clouds , birds, mountain tops, snow, the sun, river, hut , tree :) Later I told this to Mohalda. He too broke into the broadest smile as he reminisced .
Sachi is from Calcutta, Bandees from Bombay, Mohalda from Sitapur and I from Delhi. I think every Indian child who goes to school draws this at least 2o times before graduating from elementary school !
PS
What an utterly useless post, but its my blog so i dont care !!
PS 2
Mohalda refered to this as ' diagram ' , lol !!